Thursday, August 2, 2012

Success in the face of defeat!

It has been a wonderful week.  I started off on July 22 of this year at 311 lbs.  Today, at my official BodyBugg weigh in, I am down to 292.8.  I have lost 18 lbs in just over 1 week.  Yes I know it's mostly water weight, but I'm still thrilled.

Now for the hard stuff:

I started a new job on the 16th.  Wonderful job, good pay, what's the problem.  Well, the problem is, I'd forgotten that I wont get my first paycheck until August 20th.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?  Yeah, the bills are coming due, and I'm scrambling.  I worry that I'll have to eat whatever I can afford and that it will have a negative impact on my weight loss.  Worse yet, I'm worried about things being cut off due to nonpayment until I can get this sorted out.  I'm scrambling to find ways to not be late on bills. Hopefully the bank will call soon and say that they will refinance the car for me. I'm currently paying 21% interest with a high risk lender, so after 1 1/2 years of this, maybe it will turn out even better than if I hadn't run into this hiccup, but time will tell. RING, phone, RING darn it!

Regardless, I'm not giving up on this journey. I'm using it as fuel. Maybe the nervous energy will help me burn more calories as I pace the floors, and fingernails shouldn't have any calories, since I'm just chewing them off and spitting them out!  So far, I have managed to still maintain my calorie deficit and not resort to binge eating, which is SO my M.O.!  So I am considering this a victory for now.

Next week, I have to go stay in a hotel out of town for training classes.  If the room has a microwave and fridge, I'll be preparing something to eat to take so that I 1. save money, and 2. can control my calorie intake.  I've already found that planning ahead makes me the most successful.  Now...what to make and take with me? Any ideas?

Thursday, July 26, 2012

An Exciting Day!

It has just been a happy day for me.  Not only am I back at a job that I love and affords me the freedom I need to lead a healthy lifestyle, but I had a couple great things happen!

First, I decided to hop on the scale this morning. No particular reason, I was just curious, even though it's only been four days since I started my journey.  I was so surprised at the number on the scale, that I had to step off and do it again to be sure. What do you know, it read the same! 299.2!!!!  I'm out of the 300's.  And I've lost nearly 12 lbs in 4 days!!!  Yeah I still have 150 to go, but what a way to start.

Then, as I'd been anticipating, my bodybugg arrived in the mail.  For those who aren't familiar with the bodybugg, its a device you wear on your arm all day, that measures your actual calories burned with a 90% accuracy!

I will admit that the set up took some patience, andthe website took a little bit to figure out, but the answers to your questions are easy enough to find.  Now I'm just waiting on it to fully charge!  I can't wait to try it out!  

I set my profile for 1500 calories, and am hoping to find a way to squeeze in enough exercise to lose 3 lbs a week for a while.  Of course, I'm sure I'll be adjusting these numbers as I get more used to the website and how it works.  

I'll keep you all posted on how effective it is, and how much it helps.  But I'm looking forward to give it a try.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Another Fresh Start

I am OH! so tired of saying, "I'm back, and starting over", but it's the truth, so I guess I just said it.

Friday night I took a trip to Dallas with my dear friend, Ashley for the Biggest Loser Season 14 auditions.  What an incredible experience.  We knew the chances of being selected were near impossible, but we had a wonderful time and met some amazing people - including season 13's Mark and Chism, and season 12's Becky! What an inspiration.

It's really hard to admit that since the last time I posted I've gained weight and am now up to 311 lbs.  Most of that gain has been a result of bad habits caused by my stint working night shift in a high stress environment,   but I can't lay blame on circumstances. I knew what to do, and just chose not to.  So there I am, second from the right.... a whopping 311 lbs.  Just insane. I NEVER dreamed I'd ever get this big.  

I've decided to do things a little different this time.  I cancelled my weight watchers subscription, and purchased a Body Bugg with a 12 month subscription.  I'm hoping that counting calories and keeping track of actual calories in and calories out will make things more realistic for me.  I can't wait for my body bugg to get here! I'll let you know when that happens.  

So today will be spent planning for the week.  Hopefully I can come up with a decent plan and begin the journey on a good note!  

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Plugging on

Well, I'm still plugging along.  Today was another stressful, anxiety filled day for me.  But I stayed within 5 points of my points limit.  And I weighed in this morning and lost 3 lbs. Yay!  I'm now 291.6.  Such a long way to go, but only but only 8 lbs to go to reach my first goal of 5%.  I have a pair of work pants that I'm working towards fitting into comfortably enough to be able to work in them.  I'm hoping to reach that goal soon.

I did pretty well on my eating today.

Breakfast: Jimmy Dean Turkey sausage croissant
Lunch: Subway black forest ham sandwhich, baked bbq lays, and 2 cookies (oops)
Snack: Third cookie (did I mention it was a stressful ay? What do I do when I stress? Still working on that)
Dinner: Roast Beef, mashed potatoes and roasted carrots
Dessert: Angel food cake plain

I think I'm getting ready for 'that time', based on the terrible carb cravings.  But I'll just keep... plugging on.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Note to self: check points before eating!

Today was a more leisurely day. We finished going dogs by 1:00 and I had the afternoon to relax.... and think... and begin to stress about money and work.  By evening I enjoyed some time with my children but the cravings were difficult to keep at bay.  I overate again, I was right on target until dinner.  I made the mistake of not checking the points on the corn muffins before I ate them.  Then there was the nice dessert of angel food cake, strawberries, and whipped cream with splenda. By the end, I'd over shot by 10 pts.  8 of those were the corn muffins. Ugh.

I still haven't added exercise to the regimen on a regular basis.  I could give a thousand reasons, but in the end they really are just excuses.  As I reflected on the day, I thought about my main reason for wanting to lose weight. I'm a 39 year old single mom, never married, and so tired of being alone.  Unfortunately, initial attraction is important, especially to men.  But I would lie if I said it wasn't to me too.  I'm a picky girl. And I can't expect a man to accept me as I am when I'm not willing to do the same. In the mean time, I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.  I eat because I'm lonely. I'm lonely because I eat...

Breakfast: Jimmy Dean Dlite Croissant (8), Banana (0)
Snack: Apple (0)
Lunch: Smart ones sesame chicken (8)
Snack: PB and J Sandwich on Wonder Smart Bread (8)
Dinner: Chicken Divan, salad, skinny ranch, corn muffins (19)
Dessert: Angel food cake 2 slices, strawberries, whipped cream (11)

Total: 54

Monday, January 16, 2012

A Good Day

Breakfast: Jimmy Dean D-Lite Turkey Sausage croissant (8), banana (0)
Lunch: Smart Ones Rigatoni (10)
Snack: Sugar Free/Fat Free Chocolate pudding 1 cup
Snack: PB and J
Dinner: Chicken Divan (8), Salad (0), Skinny Ranch (5)
Dessert: Sugar Free/Fat Free Chocolate pudding 1/2 cup

As you can see, I had a better day tracking points.  I also enjoyed cooking a few new things from scratch from my favorite site, . Gina takes fabulous recipes and makes them weight watchers friendly. The points are even listed for both the old points and the Points Plus.  The ranch dressing was okay, but I was missing onion powder which I believe would have made all the difference.  The Chicken Divan was divine!  Even the kids loved it.  Super easy, super yummy, and enough left over for a second meal.  Yay!

I have been fighting the urge to eat all day, and I'm not sure what is causing it.  Possibly the mild stress of trying to design my grooming salon.  Possibly spending the day alone, since loneliness is a common cause.  I haven't put my finger on it yet.  I haven't yet figured my points for the day, but I think I may have gone over by a few points.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

A kind of off day

Breakfast: Toasted Oat Cereal with 2 % milk and splenda
Lunch: Subway 6 inch chicken breast on honey oat with sweet onion and mozzerella (YUM)
Snack: Banana
Dinner: Grilled Shrimp and Chicken, roasted potatoes, salad, grilled zuchinni and onion, garlic bread.

Ok, so today wasn't the best eating day, again. I went to a party to watch the nfl playoff games and eat the aforementioned amazing food.  Do I regret it? Not at all.  Shrimp and chicken was grilled, potatoes were a small portion, salad was eaten with a vinegrette dressing, and zuchinni and onion were free.  The garlic bread... well, maybe not the best choice. Back on track tomorrow!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

A bad counting day

Today was a wonderful day, spending time with friends and relaxing.  I ate out again, so I don't know what my points are today.

Breakfast: Toasted oats cereal, 2% milk, splenda
Lunch: 1/2 order of beef fajitas, rice/beans, sour cream/guac 2 tortillas + chips/salso
Dinner: other half of lunch
snack: Pb&J on low cal bread

Friday, January 13, 2012

Friday the 13th

6 AM:  Happy Friday the 13th.  I awoke feeling optimistic and ready for the day.  Looks like I'll be doing schnauzers today, so I'm a little nervous, but looking forward to doing something different.

On a whim, I went ahead and weighed this morning. 292.4. That made me happy.  My challenge for the day is that I'm going to the late show at the comedy club tonight.  Yikes.  I'm seldom in bed later than 9pm.  This show doesn't even start until 10:30.  Rather than try and keep my points down, I think I'm going to use some of my weekly allowance and keep my energy up today.

Todays meals:
Breakfast: 1 1/2 cups Toasted Oats Cereal (generic cheerios) with Splenda and 1 cup 2% milk (8)
Snack: Banana (0)
Lunch: Chicken wrap from convenience store (?)
Snack: Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

4 PM:  Today was a long, difficult day.  Between grooming two badly matted dogs, my body let me know it did not appreciate it.  I can barely raise my arms, I'm exhausted, and once again questioning my ability to do this long term.  However, I do not feel the urge to eat even though I am experiencing some anxiety. Tonight I will go to the comedy club, so I'm planning on having dinner there, even though its the late show. I may have an extra snack to get me through until then.

Dinner:  McDonalds double cheeseburger
Late snack at comedy club: Cheese Fries/ Fried mushrooms

I have no idea of points on this so I'm counting the entire 49 for the cheeseburger and food at the comedy club.  Had a great time and it was worth all 49, even if it wasnt that much!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Starting Again

Another fresh start: If you read this for long you'll find I have alot of those. You'll also find that although I'm not nearly as consistant as I want or need to be, I never give up.  So today is another fresh start.  Yippee (in a not so enthusiastic tone)

I weighed in this morning, and was pleased to see that although I wasn't following my plan this week, I still lost a couple pounds and weighed in at 294.6.  I also took some pics for comparison later in my journey

Looking at these pictures makes me ashamed and angry.  When I look in the mirror, this is NOT what I see. I'm aware I wasn't what I once was, but it's amazing how the mind can see something differently than reality. When I look at these pictures, I see a woman that does not love herself.  But honestly, I thought I did.  I'll admit to emotional eating, loneliness, depression... but self hate, not so much.  Whatever the problem, no more excuses.  (Yes, that's the theme for biggest loser this year. I'm taking it to heart)  

PM:  I grew increasingly irritable through the day.  This was not related to food cravings, but to the issues resulting from last years car accident.  Again I began to question my career choices, what i want in life, and where I'm going.  On the bright side, I managed to do well with my eating.  No binging tonight.  

Todays meals:
Breakfast:  Jimmy Dean D-lite Turkey Sausage Muffin (7)
Snack: Banana (0), 1 peanut cluster (1)
Lunch: Subway 6 inch Tuna with lettuce, onion and bell pepper (12)
Dinner: 4 oz steak (7), broccoli (0), baked potato with light margarine and light sour cream (4)
Dessert: 1 bag m&m's (6)

Points Used: 37
Points Target: 44
Unused : 7

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Getting Better

Well, finally, after a hiatus of about 2 weeks, I was back to work.  Before taking a break, I was suffering from severe anxiety over 'messing up' every dog I touched. I'm not sure what caused the problem, but it was extremely debilitating.  Then along with it came a fear of being bitten.  Again, no reason for it.  It just WAS. For the last week before christmas I found myself unable to finish a dog for one reason or another, and let mom finish them for me. Some of it was time constraints, some were difficult dogs, some were silly things, like fear of cutting the eyebrows off a schnauzer. Go figure.

That horrible streak finally came to an end yesterday.  Although my dogs still took 2 hours each, and they weren't what I would call perfect by any means, they were done, they were clean, neat, and completed by me. Unfortunately, I didn't take any pictures because I was more focused on relaxing and getting the job done. But for the first time in about a month, I was relaxed and enjoying what I did.  I'm sure hoping to have broken that horrible streak of anxiety and lack of confidence!

As for the diet, well....  Okay, still struggling with the whole shake thing. The ViSalus powder came in the mail and I started back on them yesterday.  But last night at my birthday party, I ate more than I should have.  But considering the shakes are only about 350 cals each, and I had them for two meals, I should still have had a fairly low intake based on weight watchers points.  (Though I haven't put them in yet)

I also need to add exercise in some form or another to my regimen.   Not just for weight loss, but also to help with the depression I've been feeling.  I saw the doctor yesterday and he increased my medication.  The fact that I'm actually writing today shows me that it's already working.  *Insert sigh of relief here*

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Taking a Dive

The last week has been extremely difficult. The depression is getting worse every day, and I just can't seem to find motivation or joy in anything I do.  I've been taking abilify which was a wonderful help, but seems to have suddenly stopped working. I'm taking long naps, can't seem to focus on anything for more than 30 minutes, and just feel an overall sense of hopelessness.  I wish I could point to the root cause. Much of it has been since I quit my nursing job. Am I having second thoughts about giving up my career?  I just don't know. It seems I'm having second thoughts about everything these days.  I just can't commit to any one thing.

This has left me feeling like all I want to do is eat and sleep, which is not good for me or my weight loss.  I have gained back most of what I lost last week, and continue to mindlessly binge.  The dog ate what remained of my Visalus powder, but my 1 month shipment is scheduled to arrive today.  Then I have to figure out how to go about my 2 shakes a day.  I love preparing dinner and eating with the kids.  But with being at the grooming salon during the day, maybe my best bet is to eat my well balanced meal at noon so that I don't stuff myself in the evening.  Guess I still need to do some thinking.  We shall see.

In the mean time, I suppose I need to call my doctor and make another appointment.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Getting through the week

Isn't always amazing how so much hard work can be undone with much less work?

This week, with New Years festivities, and my birthday, and the kids returning home, I'd wait and do my meal planning.  My daughter begged for lasagna, so I made it.  The New Years Party was another excuse.  But truly there are no excuses.  I gained the 10 lbs I lost last week back this week.  Much of it is probably water weight because I also forgot to take my blood pressure medicine, but it's back on track for me today. (Even if it is my birthday).

Depression and stress are reeking havoc on my resolve.  Some days I just don't feel like I have the strength to do it. Other days I just plain forget until I'm halfway through something I probably shouldn't be eating. My 'new' habits aren't quite habits yet, but I'll be working on that.  Anyway, back to it today. I only fail if I quit.